Of booblessness

And there I was, making my way home after yet another pleasant day at the office, in the cool innards of the AC bus, standing in its narrow aisle, on the left hand side where there are no “handle-type-things-you-hold-while-standing-in-the-bus” things, precariously subjecting my sadly-undeveloped biceps (and highly evolved armpits) to scrutiny from the lady (and her male friend) sitting cozily next to me (and showing no intentions of getting down, or going down, from the bus or on anyone), when I saw this:

I was angered. Angry. Not apoplectic, but that flash of anger when simmering disappointments are united by a singular event. The sort of anger that erupts and then lays down over that layer of disappointment and mates to form a bastardized blog post that will change absolutely nothing.

What’s the problem you ask? Lok at the fucking actress. That’s Genelia “Ex-Boobilicious” D’Souza, hereafter referred to as G’EB’D, whose movie “Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na” made a lasting impact on me in that I realized that Amisha Patel, if she’d been thinner could have been far more awesome than she is. Or was. I digress. I loved her in that movie, her boobs, her cute chubbiness (applies to Amisha, Ex-Genelia and The Takia), and the fact that she wasn’t stick-fucking-thin.

And now? She’s reed thin, her arms seem thinner than mine, her face homogenized so much that I had trouble differentiating her from Shenaz Treasurywala (not a compliment, believe me)  and more fuckin’ importantly, WHERE DID HER FUCKING BOOBS GO? I groaned. I actually groaned. Yet another one lost to the myth of flat abs and toned bodies. She’d slimmed down considerably and for WHAT? She’s down half-a-bra size for sure. Maybe she isn’t. Maybe that’s not the point. Maybe I’m exaggerating. I don’t fucking care.

I have so many issues with this.

G’EB’D had a great figure. GREAT. She was FRESH. Beautiful woman walking on the street looking fucking hot figure. Her thighs were just right, her curls/bangs/hair was fuckin’ A, she had a killer smile and an ass with potential. And BOOBS. Fucking grade-A boobs. Non-model boobs served up on a generous platter of skin. And some mother-fucker in a gym in Lokhandwala or an agent who couldn’t climb a flight of stairs to fuck Irina if she was asking for it, probably tells her, “Baby, aaj kal full fitness ka style hai. Apne ko flat stomach aur lean look rakhneka. Kya hai na, aaj kal ye sab toned bodies ka style chalrela hai na, toh apun kahe ko peeche rehneka?”

Bhenchod rehne ka. Ayesha Takia ko dekha Wanted mein? She looked like an overgrown blue whale but it didn’t fucking matter because she has, had and probably will always have the BOOBS.

Or maybe the film ‘asked’ for this kind of look. Don’t make me puke. Or maybe she decided she wanted to go this way. Now you’re just making me sad.

Let’s face it, you’re not much of an actor. Or actress. Why would you actively try to reduce what is effectively one of the few assets you have? And (this is important) you were beautiful enough as it is. Why, why, why the weight loss?

I am against this standardization of looks. Who to blame? Kareena Kapoor for her size-zero obsession? She was probably one of the few heroines in BWood who looked better with her clothes on than without. I suspect ‘Hungama’ ‘Hulchul’ had something to do with her weight obsession. Anyone with half-a-functioning eye could have seen how uncomfortably fat she’d gotten.

Or Katrina? She was always on the chubbier side. How did it fucking matter? Then she went all Sheela ki Jawani on us. Fuck, bitches please. Realize Malaika is one of a kind. Don’t go around imitating her for chrissakes. The new generation of starts are effectively out Malaika-ing Malaika. Damn you Chaiyya Chaiyya.

Coming back to G’EB’D, that GAP t-shirt. Do you realize how much you would have rocked the scene if you know, you only had your original set of boobs?

[John, WTF is up with those girls doing Bharatnatyam in the background? Seriously, WTF?]

Which leads me to the sex scene. Or song. Whatever, I don’t care.

First, you looked nervous enough ON SCREEN to lead me to believe that the scene entails you losing your virginity in the shower. Bad move, director, bad move. First standard mein you give baccha 12th ka paper toh she will fucking pass or what?

Second, the bed scene. I don’t blame you. Its the template on which every fucking mainstream Bwood sex scene is built. Lay the girl down gently. Kiss, real or implied. Some ‘deep’ staring into the eyes. A bit of foreplay (mostly neck, stomach if Hashmi is involved). Penetration (always implied). Want to really rock the boat? Show the girl on top (for a bit, sometimes for the climax). Hey assholes, heard of oral sex? Or fuck it, even SEX?

[In this context, I MUST MUST MUST recommend the oral sex scene from Chhatrak. Paoli Dam, I doff my hat to you. My penis sends its regards too.]

I am ranting. I usually don’t. In fact, I’ve considerably calmed since I started writing.

Guess the South Indian in me really rears up sometimes eh?

Sigh. Et tu, Genelia?