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Archive for March, 2011

Cock-A-Hoop

So, a few days ago, there was this link going around which had all the ladies tee-heeing. ‘Haw, Indian men’s average penis size is only 4 inches. Tee-fuckin-hee.’ I admit, its a sensitive issue if you want to tease a guy, and a sure-shot below the belt ball-buster in case you’re breaking up withan ex. I had a few problems with it, in that I absolutely refused to believe it. But before I get to that, I really didn’t get the joke from the ladies point of view. YOU’RE laughing at US? I mean, we aren’t going to put it up our ass (not that we can, I don’t care how big a cock you’ve got), you’re the ones suffering in case its true. Please, think about it (and not about a man putting his penis up his own ass, though that would be funny, I grant you). What are you going to say the next time some lady from Bulgaria (5.9 inches), Slovakia (5.9 inches), Morocco (5.9 inches) or even fucking Libya (5.4 inches) looks at you and goes, ‘Oh, you’re husband/lover’s Indian? Tch. Tch.’

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s see why I refused to believe in it in the first place. I’m an average Indian male. Average height, average weight (ok, so its a little on the heavier side, BUT I’M WORKING ON IT) and most importantly, AVERAGE PENIS. Don’t stop reading, I’m not giving out specifics. I absolutely refused to believe that what I am carrying around is such a deviation from normal that it wouldn’t be seen on a bell curve. And I’ve seen enough people pissing on the road (or shitting on the tracks or exposing themselves to a group of girls walking behind me) to realize ‘Phew, I’m normal.’

So I went a-digging. And by digging I mean, entered a simple search query in Google as per the purported source in that survey. And this might shock you, but all’s not as kosher as it seems. This news item (yes, its from ToI, where else would you find it?) sheds some more light on the issue and it says:

“The data is still being collated and analysed by the Indian Council of Medical Research (ICMR), but preliminary findings indicate that condoms available in the market are oversized. “As per international standards, most condoms are 150 mm to 180 mm in length and 44 to 56 mm in width. But data collected in Mumbai till 2001 showed that 60% of the participants measured 126 to 156 mm in length and 30% between 100 and 125 mm,” said a city researcher, pointing out that there was a difference of at least 5 cm in length.”

The article in question is for something else altogether, which I’m not discussing right now. Let’s look at the numbers shall we?

126 mm = 4.96 inches

156 mm = 6.14 inches

So that’s 60% of the population ranging between a minimum of 4.96 inches to 6.14 inches, giving an average of 5.55 inches.

Let’s look at the second part.

100 mm = 3.93 inches

125 mm = 4.92 inches

That’s another 30% of the population being between 3.93 inches to 4,92 inches, an average of 4.42 inches.

Let’s pause here a moment, the absolute minimum statistically significant measured penis/cock/dick was 3.93 inches and this buffoon puts up 4 inches as average? Note also, that Asian countries have been assigned random numbers,none greater than 4, with Pakistan highest at 4.8 inches. You know what, I’m tempted to play the racism card, but I’m just going to attribute it to stupidity. Also, most of the studies/institutes therein are fake.

Right, so if you’re an Indian lady, what average penis size can you expect? An extremely shoddy working gives me this:

[(0.6*5.55)+(0.3*4.42)] / (0.6+0.3) = 5.17 inches.

(Edit: Earlier calculation incorrect by my reckoning. Given at the end of post. I’m confused, help me?)

Also note that the data collected is only from Mumbai, so again we aren’t considering the Pakistani influence (4.8 inches) on the North or the Sri Lankan influence (4.3 inches) on the south.

That is 29% more than what you bargained for ladies. 29 fuckin percent. Also, it crosses the psychologically important 5-inch mark.

I’m not going to end this with the usual drivel that size doesn’t matter. It fuckin does, that’s why we make such a big deal out of it.  This survey also focuses solely on length, not on girth which is an equally important measure in any dick-size related  study. But size isn’t the only thing and that’s where the small guys have their opening. How? By something that’s quite close to my heart and which should be the subject of my next post.

I sound like a sorry ass, don’t I? But this wasn’t for you, ladies. This was for the guys. Next time you fucking come up to me and tell me, “I’m bigger than average <smirk>” , I can’t wait to tear you down.

P.S.: Post has been slightly edited. Earlier working had the average at 4.65 inches via this: (0.6*5.55)+(0.3*4.42) = 4.65 . Please let me know which is the correct one, I was never the greatest at statistics.

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So I have this problem. I am extremely uncomfortable around the wife of a good friend. And yes, its that thing you’re thinking of. I know her for a couple of years now, him for more and what I thought would go away in time hasn’t. Instead it’s grown, like an insidious snake feasting on my weakness, it’s grown.

I can’t stand to be in the same  room with her and guess how I spent Holi? Fucking locked in a farmhouse with him, her and 10 others. Painting colors on each other and spending hours in a pool ‘playing’.

None of that was meant in a sexual way. Except that I have the hots for her of course. But I wanted to put this out there for my better understanding. I tried to avoid her as inconspicuously as I could. I only put some color on her when she came up to me. I avoided staring as much as I could but I wasn’t brusque; I just avoided making jokes or fooling around when she was around so as to not get into extended conversations. I doubt she noticed much. Her husband and me are great pals, but her and me have never really hung out, ever.

Don’t go fucking blaming me. Its the butt. Always lands me in trouble. I’m not even sure if I’m completely in lust with her. Its her butt. The firmest butt I’ve seen in my life. I’m telling you, you think the ones you’ve seen are firm, but they’re nothing compared to the one on her. Had to be on her, didn’t it? She looks like she could walk the ramp first thing in the morning, but I’ve never given that a second thought. Its her butt, and when you cover that with a thin layer of cloth (also called as pajamas; as in ” I’ll be wearing these pajamas to sleep when we’re all having a sleepover in a deserted farmhouse miles from civilization with my husband’s horny friend sneaking looks at my ass whenever I’m around.”)  the situation just becomes fucking perfect don’t it?

Yes I do. At least one specific part of you.

Let’s get this straight. I don’t want to ‘do’ anything. I love the guy as much as one straight guy can love another and the last thing I’d do is make a pass at his wife. But as much as I try, I have to steal a glance at her butt when I get the chance. Could I control it? Sure, I could. Would that lessen the lust in my mind? I’m pretty sure it’d not. What then would be the purpose of avoiding it?

Ladies, the 3 of you that do visit here, do women know when men like me are around? I’m *trying* to do the right thing here. This incident paints me in a very poor light I suppose, but I assure you it wasn’t intentional in any way. It was a classic case of the thunderbolt that happened the first time I happened to see her butt. And if you’ve read my earlier posts you know I’m a Class-A Ass Purveyor.

I give up. I was trying to inject some sense into this whole thing, but there’s too much confusion. And I’ve never been one for high thinking. The baser pleasures, that’s where I reside. Maybe if I avoid them for some time, she’ll get pregnant and I can safely put this behind me.

Cheers!

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